The nebulous date of my brother’s death has been floating around as “sometime in the beginning of September” for a long time.
I can look back for years to the first hints of autumn and see indications of my unrest- ending of jobs, moving households, adrenaline hits of choice, as well as underlying depression- around this time of year. I read in my daily writing “deep, deep, something going on, don’t know what it is”. The scribble echoing concern, a disturbance that runs through many of my journal’s end of summer entries.
Grief.
It comes and it goes, as do the unconscious gestures I’ve made in order keep this grief at arms length. Or to give it life- senseless expression out into the world, a relief from the tension, letting off steam.
Just this week a mystery was solved. September 1, 1966. The date of Danny’s death fished out of a file. The veil lifted unto the next clue in this process of life. In this process of untangling a death.
Mom’s story about my brother’s death So Young.
Astrology footnote: I celebrate as Saturn finishes strong this last degree of Scorpio- Thank you mom for digging into the death certificates regardless of my being “too eager about death”. The eclipse (11:41pm September 12, 2015) exact degree Danny’s rising – 20 Virgo. My natal rising being 19 Virgo and my mom’s natal moon at 18 Virgo(7th house) PLUS. This TedTalk reeks of what I see in the sky now. As astrology continues to bring to me an awareness of choice.
Thank you for reading.
We are all connected.
Never Forget- Never Remember
The nebulous date of my brother’s death has been floating around as “sometime in the beginning of September” for a long time.
I can look back for years to the first hints of autumn and see indications of my unrest- ending of jobs, moving households, adrenaline hits of choice, as well as underlying depression- around this time of year. I read in my daily writing “deep, deep, something going on, don’t know what it is”. The scribble echoing concern, a disturbance that runs through many of my journal’s end of summer entries.
Grief.
It comes and it goes, as do the unconscious gestures I’ve made in order keep this grief at arms length. Or to give it life- senseless expression out into the world, a relief from the tension, letting off steam.
Just this week a mystery was solved. September 1, 1966. The date of Danny’s death fished out of a file. The veil lifted unto the next clue in this process of life. In this process of untangling a death.
Mom’s story about my brother’s death So Young.
Astrology footnote: I celebrate as Saturn finishes strong this last degree of Scorpio- Thank you mom for digging into the death certificates regardless of my being “too eager about death”. The eclipse (11:41pm September 12, 2015) exact degree Danny’s rising – 20 Virgo. My natal rising being 19 Virgo and my mom’s natal moon at 18 Virgo(7th house) PLUS. This TedTalk reeks of what I see in the sky now. As astrology continues to bring to me an awareness of choice.
Thank you for reading.
We are all connected.
Bear!
Startled by a large dark mass in the distance. I get closer and see, no it isn’t a bear
-it is THE bear-
The one that stopped me short
thought, word, action
blame, projection
protection
-one swift swipe of a well hibernated paw at the cave entrance-
Self/Others
Humiliation
Words, sounds, expression
stuck in the throat.
Study War No More
50 years ago.
Plus
Minus
“Load up!” The familiar command to hop in the back seat. Business in town.
Drive
Focus
Bud’s exhale “God damn hippies” combats my silent intrigue as we pass so many sitting on the wall. Three miles, though an entire atmosphere away from home.
Liberation
Distance
The mood is lifted as Bud’s head flips acknowledgment toward on old friend walking beneath the arcade.
Security
Tribe
Attention now, the tone of a chant streaming through the car’s open window. Peace signs, held by people trickling down the steps of the Bank of America. “Hey Bud! There’s grandma and grandad!” A sudden acceleration throwing our backs to the seat as we head out.
Belong
Return
Link to the inspiration for this blog post: MLK Audio
Link to another article on this subject: “Turbulent 60’s”
Commitment
I once made a pact that I would do something.
As I write these words I am fulfilling that agreement.
It feels lame.
An excuse.
All of those great ideas blown by.
Why didn’t I catch them.
Make myself sit.
Now on this eve of September 30th.
A true challenge.
I admit it.
I accept it.
I, Teal Rowe, have published four posts in September.
Thank you for holding me to it.
Karma
No way to cut it off at the pass nor nip it in the bud.
It is here.
Now.
How is it going?
The Pool- Tale for a Cancer
The List
BULLSHIT!
A long hallway, the way out was a doorway that had been tiled down to the opening size of a shoe box. Clean, colorful, Moorish tiles. An exquisitely crafted tile job down to the rounded edges of a sill that lined a gap just too small for me to fit through.
A super compassionate woman at an information window said that the small portal was the only exit. Thinking there was some trick I would use to fit through, I wanted to finagle a way out. I went back and forth in my mind, figuring and looking at the opening to see if my ideas would work. I think the woman sensed my shut in irritation as we were dialoging, until she kindly assured me that there was “no other way”.
In a surge of discontent I conjured up the power to loudly scream “BULLSHIT!”- simultaneously a door appeared.
I opened that door to find another door, then another, and another- I finally saw oak trees through a large, beautiful, open, glass door.
Moral:
Through obstacles in the way, through other peoples truths, sometimes one just has to call bullshit and go for it.
Maricopa Hwy
Leaning In